My anxiety journey (so far) ❤️

For most of my life, I hid half of me from the world. It was hard and it was lonely but most of the time I felt embarrassed for feeling the things that I was feeling. I’ve felt selfish, that these problems that I am having are so minuscule to some problems of others. I've felt shame, guilt, constant and persistent worry. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy. This process has been ugly, sometimes scary, but mostly it has also taught me so much about myself. Now I am so open about what I have been through, what works for me, and advocating for others that have similar stories to mine. Writing this was a lot harder for me than I had anticipated but it has also shown me just how far I have come over the years. This will be a lifelong battle for me but I hope that with continuous care, I can live a full lovely life with little bumps along the way. So... here goes nothing!

It all started the spring of my 8th grade year. It was dance competition season, plus I was crushing hard on this guy in my group (we later dated but that’s beside the point). I was in my Dad’s car on the way to the competition when I got this overwhelming sensation in my stomach and my heart started beating out of my chest. I was sweating and eventually... I threw up. At the time, I didn’t know what was happening but I was experiencing my first (of many, unfortunately) panic attack. When the pattern started repeating every time I’d have to perform my Mom decided to take me into the doctor. Mental health issues run in my family, on both my mom and dads sides... so it was kind of inevitable to when something like this was to come up. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and was put on medication right away. Pretty soon my symptoms became worse, I would get sick every morning before leaving the house. This caused me to refuse to eat... if you're gonna puke might as well not puke food right?! I lost tons of weight. I remember being just a shell of a person (a feeling I've come to know pretty well) and I was just not myself anymore. Eventually, my symptoms subsided for the most part, I would still get anxious before a performance or some big event with many people but nothing to the degree that it could have been. I don't remember how this happened... maybe I switch medications or dosages but, this was almost 9 years ago.

Everything was very manageable until my freshman year of college. Anxiety and her new friend depression played a huge role in my college experience. I started out at a university about 2 hours north of where I grew up. It seemed to be a manageable distance, I didn’t have a car, but I was excited to move on and get to be on my own. It was about 3 weeks into fall semester when I started to have daily panic attacks, crying fits, and feeling just down right awful all the time. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I've never felt so alone and so emotionally unstable. I’ll always remember being so unstable that my dad had to come get me in the middle of the week because I was so scared to be alone with my thoughts. I was very scared of the thoughts I was having and being alone with them, I was scared I would hurt myself physically in some way. After one semester there I decided I needed to put my health in front of everything else. I went back to the doctor got some new medication and started to heal from the roughest patch I’d gone through so far. After taking a semester off, I landed a pretty sweet job (at a cupcake shop 😉) and I was on the mend! I decided to go to a local college so I could be closer to my support system and keep the job that I loved. Which seemed to work until another round of depression came which aggravated my anxiety. This is when I met my therapist, her name is Sara, and I seriously think I was meant to know her... not just as a therapist but as a person. I can’t even begin to describe how thankful I am for her and all she has done for me. When we first met a lot of our sessions were me just crying, in a literal panic state, but she was there to listen and tell me that I wasn’t broken. This little spell of depression was over within a few months and I had decided to transfer schools (yes, again!) to another nearby university. One that I honestly wanted to go to all along. But this time I decided to do things differently in a way I knew would keep me supported but also able to get my education: commuting. Commuting is a little unconventional, but honestly I wouldn’t have changed anything about my choice. It helped me stay in my comfort zone but also inch my way out of it. In this year of life, I began therapy, like for real this time... going every other week and spending some serious time with myself. Which is exhausting and scary. I’ve worked really hard to be where I am today with everything. I’ve been going for almost 3 years now... and have talked through aspects of my life that I didn’t even realize were contributing to the problem. Without therapy or my meds tbh I wouldn’t have been able to travel to Europe for 3 weeks over J-term or even just talk to a stranger. I’ve come a long way and I’m pretty damn proud of that. Yes, there are days when I literally want to jump out of my skin. Yes, there are days when I cry to my mom asking why I have to feel like this or why God chose to make me like this. Sometimes it just plain old sucks. But honestly I wouldn't want it to go completely away. I feel and see things so much differently than the average person and I am thankful for that.

Also, side note, I did not write this for pity or for anything like that. I want to make these conversations normal. 1 in 5 people have an anxiety disorder in the United States... it’s about time we start sharing our stories and ending the stigma.

Thanks for reading & until next time,

Meg✨